This fic is based on PrinceLolipop’s WWYD
You are at the bar with your friend, trying to help him get over a nasty breakup. He's drowning his sorrows in an ocean of beer when the doors slam open, a dark Valkyrie that everyone knows marching in. Your friend has that look on his face that just screams he's about to say something really stupid, and you don't have time to cover his mouth before he goes through with it.
"Someb'dy call heaven, cuz I think an angel's gone *hic* missin'."
The Valkyrie’s response is to casually shove your friend out of his seat before sitting in it and smiling at you. "Next round's my treat."
What Do You Do?
I turn to look down at my poor friend who is still laying on the floor his face down and his butt high in the air, his arms are at his side, limp as wet noodles.
“Oh don’t worry!” says the Valkyrie in a honey’d voice, “he’s fine!”
Not convinced of this I get out of my seat and kneel down beside him, placing my index and middle fingers on his neck I can make out a slow and steady pulse, lowering my head down I can also make out the sound of slow breathing.
‘Good!’ I think to myself, ‘He’s still alive!’ Though I can’t make out if he’s just unconchese or asleep. It wouldn’t be the first time he passed out in a bar but this has to be his worst yet.
This whole time I have been able to feel the Valkyrie’s eyes on me, whether she annoyed or what I can’t tell and frankly am not too worried about it right now.
My main concern right now is getting my friend off the floor and back home. I grab ahold of his shoulders and slowly turn him over, having to stop once or twice to make sure I am not in any danger of damaging something or accidentally breaking his neck.
Once that’s done I hoist him up into a sitting position and grab him under the armpits. This is harder than it sounds as I am not what you call muscular and he like me is thick in the trunk and legs, but unlike me has arms the size of my neck.
In short I’ve about exhausted my energy and am already panting as I put my left leg into a kneeling position in preparation for standing up.
I look over his shoulder to make sure I have my arms around his chest and not in such a way as to cause him harm, taking a few quick breath’s I pour all my remaining energy into my legs and attempt to stand up.
My back quickly feels like it’s been turned into a sponge and my legs although way stronger than my arms are threatening to rebel if I keep this up much longer. It does not help that I am holding my breath (common mistake among people not used to regularly lifting heavy loads.) and am already starting to feel dizzy.
Fortunately if not unexpectedly the Valkyrie seems to have decided I am in need of help, well if you call just putting a chair underneath him so I can set him down help? But I’m not gonna complain.
I set my buddy down in the chair with a rather undignified grunt and inhale deeply, silently cursing myself for not being in better shape.
“Thanks!” I wheeze, giving the Valkyrie as good a smile as I can muster at the moment.
“No sweat!” she replies with a smile that doesn’t somehow seem….how do I put this? Genuine! I don’t know how else I can put it, just something about the smile she was giving me made me uneasy. Then again maybe she was amused at what a weakling I just showed myself to be.
I weigh more than my esteemed colleague here and he could probably lift two of me. Not to say I’m fat…well a little, but it’s not very noticeable, not unless I take my shirt off which I am not in the habit of doing, well not when there are other people around I mean.
“So what would you like?”
“I’m sorry!?” I ask looking at her confusedly
“To drink!” she replied a little firmly, “I said I’d buy the next round didn’t I?”
“Oh!” I replied scratching my head in embarrassment, I got so caught up in helping Rock here that I forgot why she had even come here.
“Well, I appreciate the offer--”, I say knowing what the response to my next sentence will be and having had plenty of practice with it decide to get it over with.
“—but the thing is…the thing is, I don’t drink…ever in fact!”
There is a moment’s pause, I can only assume she’s processing this information and that that is why she hasn’t answered yet.
Strangely however, her smile never fades, in fact if anything it just seems to deepen causing her eyes to narrow slightly.
“Really?” he asked in a matter of fact tone which is quite different than what I normally get, you know: “Well why not? You think you’re better than us? You becoming a Priest or something? You scared you aint man enough? Everyone does it? That aint normal, you some kind a mommas boy! etc, etc.”
“Yes,-“ I say feeling a little defensive, and why not? Why does everyone in the world feel like if you don’t drink you don’t live, or if you’re not a drinker your somehow a threat to them? “-I know! Shocking right? I just don’t get the appeal that’s all. Oh and before you ask, the reason I am here is to keep Rock,” I point to my still out cold friend who is still sitting motionless in the chair, “out of trouble!”
“Well what do you drink?” she asks, and is she….batting her eyelashes at me? Well that’s a first! No really, it is! For me at least, look lets making something clear: Charming I am not! Handsome I am not, nor am I inherently attractive. So…yea! This is all kind of new for me.
“Well, tea is nice, fruit juice, cider, the non-alcoholic version I mean!”
The Valkyrie turns towards the Bar tender suddenly and shouts out an order; one pint and one Tea.
Taken aback by this I try to tell her she doesn’t have to but she insists.
“I said it was on me didn’t I!”
Nodding and blushing I chose to look down at the floor. For a guy who’s never even been on a date with a girl, never had girls pay any attention to him before, this is all rather awkward. As I wait for my tea to arrive I find myself letting my attention wander and I can’t help but notice people are looking at me and whispering, what about I can’t tell.
Probably discussing why a guy like me who isn’t at all what you would call remarkable would be being shown so much attention by a Dark Valkyrie of all things. In fact as I sit here alone with my own thoughts I can’t help but wonder the same thing?
Not to sound self-depreciating but why is she so interested in buying me something? I don’t get it, I thought Valkyries were supposed to not like men (based on a different Mythology, and just being Naive) or something.
Come to think of it, this is the first time I’ve ever seen one, and so far she seems okay…I guess.
I’m snapped out of my thoughts when Rock starts mumbling, I watch him for a moment to see if it’s finally coming out of it but all he does is utter a bunch of incoherent phrases and then falls silent again.
I just sigh and shake my head, that’s another reason I don’t drink! I don’t wanna end up like that!
Rock’s not a bad guy….when he’s sober! He just hasn’t figured out for some reason that he isn’t the most charming of people when he gets like this.
After a few more minutes the Valkyrie returns holding a glass of iced tea in one hand and large mug in the other.
“Here you go!” she says with a smile as she hands me the glass.
“Thanks!” I say with a smile. She smiles and nods curtly before sitting down in a chair next to me.
“So what’s your name?” she asks without even taking a drink of here beer.
“Christopher, but most people just call me Chris! And you?”
“Well, thank you for tea Thruder!” I took a gulp of the tea and found it didn’t taste like any tea I had ever tasted before, I mean it tasted good, rather sweet, but still good.
“Oh you don’t have to thank me Chris, just enjoy!”
Giving her a small nod and a smile to go with it I decide to do just that. I don’t know what kind of tea it is she got for me but boy is it good.
But for some reason she isn’t touching her beer, instead she’s looking at me smiling as though nothing in the world interested her more than me.
“Care for another?” she asks when I’ve downed the whole glass.
“Yes please!” I say handing her the glass, like I said it’s quite good and I wouldn’t mind having more.
Smiling back she takes the glass from my hand and heads back to the bartender, as she walks towards the barmen I can’t help but notice how attractive she is, the way her hips seems to just glide from side to side like a pendulum on a clock but far more hypnotic, the bluish shade of her skin now seems somehow alluring to me.
As she walks back towards the table try not to look at her as though somehow appraising her, I’m not the kind of guy who goes around rating women because I can’t stand people who do.
“Drink up Chrissy!” she says in an almost cooing tone of voice, although embarrassed by this I can’t help but smile. I down the glass rather quickly, far more quickly than I might normally do so. I also find myself feeling much more relaxed than before and without really meaning too start to let myself go a bit.
Thruder gets me another glass of tea without me even asking and returns to the table, she then starts to engage me in conversation, nothing special just the basics where are you from, what do you do, you seeing anyone and what kind of girls do you like, well maybe the latter wasn’t quite basic but I saw no particular harm in her questions.
As I answered her questions I continued drinking this fantastic iced tea, each time I finished the glass Thruder would go and get me another.
As I did so I found myself growing fonder and fonder of her, I also lost more and more of my inhibitions and started to give in to some of mannerisms I once swore never to adopt.
“You know what really pisses me off Thrud,” I said as I idly twirled the glass in my hand oblivious to anything but the dark beauty before me who seemed much to my delight, hanging on my every word.
“It’s the way my fellow men seem to think that they are somehow entitled to cram their stupid penis’s into anything with a vagina, and heaven help you if you don’t! They all act like it’s somehow unnatural or even illegal for a guy to see women as people and not walking vaginas. Then they have the nerve to wonder why so many women hate men these days.”
I pause in the middle of my tirade to take a large gulp of tea and end up downing the whole thing In one go.
“Ah,” I say sounding refreshed “that’s damn good tea!”
“Anyway, I have nothing against sex, and just because I’m still a virgin, never had a girlfriend never even dated does not make me, FREAKING GAY! ALRIGHT, I JUST HAPPEN TO SEE WOMEN AS PEOPLE NOT SEX OBJECTS, IS THAT REALLY SO WRONG!? WELL IT SURE SEEMS THAT WAY BECAUSE ALL ANYONE WANTS TO DO IS HECKLE ME AND ATTACK MY VALUES!”
Taking a few breathes I try to calm down, I didn’t mean to lose my temper just now and yell like I just did, but what the heck, why do I even care anymore, Thruder does not seem to mind so why should I?
Tragically my tirade was not making me friends with the other patrons, many of whom were now glaring at me some were probably even contemplating shutting me up, in a rather unpleasant manner.
In fact they probably would have if Thruder wasn’t there with me. But I Digress, by this time I felt like I’d drank enough tea and wasted enough of this Dark Valkyrie’s time with my pointless tirade.
“Oh! You leaving?” she asked looking a little disappointed as I started to stand up, well I was trying to stand, my balance seemed to be shot and my head felt dizzy, as though I had just hyperventilated.
“Yea!” I replied, holding my head with my right hand, as my left was currently being used to steady me against the table. “I think I’ve wasted about enough of your time, thank you for the tea it was lovely.”
As I started to walk away I found my balance was completely off and was about to fall over when Thruder suddenly stood up and came to my side.
“Come on honey!” she said softly “I’ll take you home, you look like anybody take advantage of you right now!”
For a moment I thought about arguing, I didn’t really feel all that bad, just my balance and I did feel kinda light headed, and ooh! Did I forget tired so yea, maybe I should let her take me back to my home so I could rest up.
“Okay”, I said relenting, she was probably right, who knows what would happen to me in this state.
Thruder smiled and took my arm and put it around her shoulders despite my minor protests that it wasn’t necessary.
However, she insisted and at the moment I just didn’t have the will to argue, so with that Thruder and I made our way (without poor Rock by the way) towards the door to the bar. Had I not been so out of it at the moment I would have noticed that some of the people in the bar were giving me looks of pity and almost remorse.
“Did you see that!” said balding man sitting at the counter wearing a dirty grey shirt and dull brown pants. He wasn’t speaking to anyone in particular just thinking out loud more like.
“What a sap!”
The Barman who’d been among those looking at Thruder’s companion with pity just nodded but didn’t say anything.
“She played him like a harp, and the way she kept giving him those drinks, he actually thought it was tea!”
“Yea he was a real sucker alright!”
“You think she’s gonna settle down with this one?” asked another man who was sitting farther down he counter than the first.
“Who knows? But did you hear him spouting that self-righteous bullshit ‘I see women as people not sex objects’”
“Yea, what an ass-hole, I hope she screws him so hard his penis breaks!”
“Yea!” shouted yet another on looker, “Poor guy will probably be so shocked in the morning he’ll probably go drown himself in the river in shame!”
At that moment the whole bar broke into mocking laughter at the knowledge of what Thruder’s newest prospect might do come the fallowing morning.
I’ve never considered myself a vengeful person but to tell you the truth I found myself feeling strangely satisfied looking at the smoldering ashes of what only days ago had been the bar where Rock and I had had a fateful encounter with a Dark Valkyrie named Thruder.
In front of the ashes were five men all of who were tied and gaged and completely naked. Thruder’s idea of course, I still don’t know how but, someone at the bar told her about what had happened after she’d half dragged me from the bar a few days ago.
Long story Short: Thruder was none too happy about the remarks of some of the men there, one of who was the owner and decided that some payback was due for them insulting her husband (me) behind her back.
So Thruder had gone and enlisted the aid of a few salamanders who’d helped her reduce the place to ashes.
But not before making sure all the customers were out of the building and the offenders she was after were all captured. Which brings us to where we are now.
Thruder was dressed in her full armor with sword in hand looking down at the men who all looked as though they thought they were going to die.
“You five seem to think it’s funny to mock me and my husband behind our backs do you?” she said with none of the sweetness or the smile she had shown me on that night. Instead she was looking not unlike a warrior who was about to go into battle and had only the business of killing on her mind.
Two of the men whimpered, I almost felt sorry for them, but the memory of what they’d said kept me from doing so, so as long as she didn’t kill them and she promised she wouldn’t, then I wouldn’t get in her way.
“Hope his penis breaks, played him like a harp, a SAP!” she repeated all the insults she had heard they had said causing them all to wince, probably wishing they’d kept their mouths shut.
“Well, we’ll just see about that!”
“What are you planning to do to them?” I ask taking her free hand on which a beautifully embroidered gold ring could be seen.
“Give them a lesson in humility, I know of a nest of devil bugs not far from here”
All five of the men suddenly started making muffled noises, pleas I’m sure and shaking their heads desperately.
“I think throwing them in with about a hundred or so devil bugs, that haven’t seen a man in sometime should teach them some manners.”
At this point all five men broke down crying, it was rather pathetic if I do say so myself but, like I said as long as she wasn’t going to kill them I wasn’t going to complain.
Thruder wouldn’t let me go with her and the Salamanders, “for my own safety” she said, I don’t really know anything about devil bugs but from what my wife was saying they must be pretty bad if even a Dark Valkyrie and a group of fiery Salamanders couldn’t keep me safe.
Instead I gave my wife a goodbye kiss and told her I would be waiting at the house when she got back and watched as they carried the still crying men off to meet their apparent doom.
BTW, Rock is doing okay, he’s a little annoyed at me for ending up with Thruder but when she promised to introduce him to a friend of hers he said he’d forgive me for it. Still hasn’t learned any new pickup lines though.
Holy cow, I can’t believe I hammered this out in one sitting. Man it feels good to be writing again. Of importance to note is the fact that I know I am not the best at using and including details, personally I attribute it to my ADD but I also know that the best way to get better is, practice, practice and more practice. That’s really what this fic was, practice to get me back into the flow of writing again. And hey, that’s two stories I have finished now. Three cheers and a tigers claw for me!